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| The football stadium tunnel - a bastion of peace and tranquility |
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| The same tunnel on matchday. |
Football is a highly physically and emotionally charged game. Reason suggests therefore that sending 22 oafs, their managers, kit men, physios, substitutes, handlers and twitter assistants down a tunnel immediately before, or shortly after a game is nothing short of bonkers.
A controversial late equaliser from West Brom’s Carlos Vela denied Stoke City all 3 points at the Britannia Stadium last night. Because it was controversial and came so late in the game, after the final whistle was blown instead of hand shakes, shirt swapping, and ‘well done chaps you thoroughly deserved the point’ all round, a few players decided a bit of finger-pointing and hand-bags-at-five-paces was more appropriate.
And why not? It is this highly pressured, emotionally charged atmosphere that gives professional footballers their competitive edge: The Eye of the Tiger. Rob them of the consent to have a vitriolic word in each other’s shell and give the ref a ‘slightly too hard but nevertheless pally’ pat on the back for that borderline offside decision at the end of the game and you deny them their sporting raison d’etre.
But that is on the field and where the battle should take place. Asking footballers to then walk a mere hand-holding distance between each other into a claustrophobic and cluttered tunnel with exactly the same grievances AFTER the match defies even the fuzziest of logic. It is akin to the Police being called to a late night fracas at a Croydon kebab establishment only to discover that the warring parties both live in Mitcham and instead of taking any formal action, decide to put them in the same taxi home: you predictably end up having an additional, and far messier skirmish.
The solution then (in lieu of stadiums with home and away tunnels) could be simple. How many of us have been to an away game where the atmosphere has been a little edgier than normal? The response is for the stadium announcer to inform the visiting contingent that they are required to remain behind for 20 minutes after the game. The reason is never given, but all and sundry know that it is because tempers can be cooled and two diametrically opposed sets of fans won’t be spilling out onto the same streets to make their way home and be tempted to kill each other.
Why can’t this be applied to the teams themselves? Maybe the touchline referee can double as a ‘Gameday Pacifier’ whose duties, in addition to receiving the hairdryer from Sir Alex Ferguson every time opposing players headbutt the elbow of Wayne Rooney or a Gallic moan from Arsene Wenger when the linesman dares to give Van Persie offside, would include deciding on which team has been best behaved and can therefore have first dibs on the post-match ice bath. I can just imagine Mark Clattenburg holding aloft the time added on board at Stamford Bridge tonight shortly before the stadium announcer crackles over the tannoy to inform the crowd and players that Man Utd are to remain on the pitch for 10 minutes after the final whistle to 'think about how they've behaved tonight'.
It is the only way that we can save professional footballers from themselves and each other. If FIFA, UEFA, The FA and The Premier League ignore my advice then we can only expect more instances of grown men throwing pizza, soup and even punches at each other when they don’t get their own way. Stoke City would certainly be a soft focus stadium photo better off by now.
You have been warned.
N.B: Cannot be applied to Roy Keane or Patrick Vieira.
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